It's weird how oddly..horrendously upset it makes me. I have to draw a lot in the next few days, and it's awkward and hurts to hold a pencil. So that's gonna suck. Oh, and it's gonna suck cause I'LL NEVER GET THAT PART OF ME BACK.

What's sad is I went to the doctor to make sure it wouldn't come off and they said to keep a bandaid on it and made sure it didn't snag and it should heal. But in the shower my bandaid popped off and it got caught in my hair, and now no more finger tip.

I hate cheese graters.

I'll forever have a hole in the shape of a cheesegrater line on my finger. Not the worst, but sucky. It's better than being pregnant or losing the whole finger. Look on the brightside, Micah who has to draw with a hole in her finger for the next three days, look on the brightside.

*siiiiiiiiiiiigh*

I just wanted to hold you in my arms.

It's a sad thing.

The fact that I anxiously wait for my favorite people on youtube and beyond to update their pages so I get to watch them and be happy...It's really pathetic, and I'm aware of how pathetic it is. But I'm realizing it now, as I've checked the Nostalgia Critic's (HE'S AMAZING) page multiple times today and I can't stop watching Julia Nunes' videos. So pathetic. I have to do my homework and instead I'm procrastinating and falling in <3 with people that I'll never know. It sounds so ronery and sad, because it really, really is.







(She makes me smile a million and one times.)

I should be writing a paper, not looking at pretty faces and listening to pretty voices. X3

So I've been bored on the internet for a few hours, and then I just remembered the URL to my xanga.

Fuckin XANGA.

And it's painful XD Amusing, though! NEVER GONNA SHARE IT CAUSE I WAS A SILLY 17-18 YEAR OLD GIRL. To be fair, I'm sure my first LJ posts will sound worse, because I probably made my LJ when I was 16. However, nothing is as bad as my deviantart...which I made when I was 14. I'm going to come back in 10 years and read posts from my 20s and I'll probably find myself...just as painful. XD I'm a silly silly girl. Why do I document my life at all? It's not like I do much. @_@


But, it reminded me of this song...which makes me really happy.

Iwanttohugher.

I went to see Up with my art friends (so cute and so sad and so ridiculous). We went on downtown adventures, got foods, saw happy movies, and now we're back in the art building. I'm pretty content right now. I needed this.

I have a tummy ache. I think it's both from nerves about school, and missing my boy, and not eating well lately. Sigh.

My face is really warm from stress, cause time keeps passing and I'm still stuck on how stupid I am.

Oh, yeah.

I cannot handle the feeling of being stupid. At all. It makes me feel horrible and unworthy of school and all that I've worked for in life. I feel gross. Arrrgh.

I'm sleepy and procrastinatey but still doing my studying.

I'm also lonely.
And bored.
And hating studying for something I am bad at.

Fuck politics in the ass with a rake.

Are you anyone's favorite person?

I don't get it.

I HATE FEEEEEEEEEEVERS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

It's cold outside. 35 degrees.

When I walk home from school when it's late (which is almost every night, lately) I listen to the song Blackout by Muse and look at the stars. It makes my heart feel full, and I just wanted to tell you that.

I'm home from a long 11 hour day of drawing, with a frozen nose and frozen fingers, and with beautiful sounds in my ears.

My body aches right now.

But I feel like I was a good friend to someone.

I want to be a good person to someone.

I want a good friend.

I've taken up walking to and from school these days. For the last week I've done it (meaning...three days now ~woo~) because on Monday I lost my bus pass, and while walking to the school in a panic, I decided it would be good for me to get the exercise. I mean, I don't have anyone to go to the gym with anymore, which significantly influences my eagerness to go, so the least I could do is walk an hour+ a day. Maybe I'll go on more lonely *cough*bymyself*cough adventures. Or maybe I'll just dance more. Dancing is probably good for you. Yeeeah. ^_^

Upon walking home tonight (at 8, fuckin' art classes), during the only darkdark times I saw a man in khakis and a dark coat walking towards me from far away. I chose it as the perfect time to imagine it was Wade walking in my direction, and that we would be together soon. Shockingly, it wasn't Wade, but I greeted the man anyway and kept walking. Oh well. Not that I actually believe myself when my brain does that to me, but sometimes I get so swept up in daydreams that for a split second I get the hope that it might be true. Whether it be that I'm actually a superhero, can fly, or even that my boy and I are within walking distance of each other. Simple dreams, right? Oy. I hate and love my imagination. It keeps me occupied, but sometimes I'm too gullible for myself. It reminds me of childhood. Catching dinosaurs, creating underground laboratories, chasing tornadoes, engineering Yoshis..... those were the days. Except for it wasn't a glimmer of hope that my dream could be true, it was all complete reality and damn you if you would question it. No wonder no one liked me as a kid. Not that I'm all that popular now.

Somehow today was a bad day. Not that anything horrible happened, I spent 12 hours on campus and now I'm just...tired. I feel drained, and like my day has been wasted with things I'd rather not do. Not a horrible day, but just...a day. With nothing good or bad about it, and it leaves me wanting more.

But here I am.
I've already tucked myself into bed.
At 8:53.
This is my life.

Time to daydream.~

You know what? I like laughing. So fuck 'em.

I'm feeling better, I guess.

Even if I don't get what I want in the end.

Why am I stupid?

Pale is pretty!
That is all.

When I ride my bike home and it's late and dark, I feel cooler than I am.
Note: I'm not cool in the slightest.
But I think -- I had to have been somewhere doing something to have to ride home at four in the morning. There must have been something important.
And the ride back to my house makes me feel like the only person in the universe.
When there's no cars, barely any light, and I'm riding by myself in the chilly night -- I feel better. Like a better person, I mean. Like a superhero.
There's a section of road towards my house that is steeper than others, that's also the most covered in darkness, that causes me to feel nothing but dread. I feel unsafe because of the possibility of crashing, and unsafe because the speed makes a strange noise in my ears that bothers me greatly. I can always hear voices, as insane as that makes me sound. And the voices remind me of the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, when Dave is in space and there's a tunnel of light and colors ahead of him. In that scene there is music that has ALWAYS haunted me a little bit -- with the sounds of men and women moaning with their voices quivering enough to give me goosebumps. Somehow, the wind mimics that sound enough for me to think of it, and then it's stuck in my mind for the rest of my ride home. I imagine those scenes of a Space Odyssey and it disturbs me as I continue my journey in the dark. Somehow I feel like I won't make it home, and if I do it won't matter...but of course I always do, and I put away my bike in the dark, and I come inside and I'm safe. Less cool than I had been when I was out on the streets by myself, but safe from the empty feeling I get when I reach that area.

I don't really know what I'm saying.
I just wanted to say it because it happens to me every time, even if it's no where on my mind. I hear the ending of that damn movie and my heart seizes up.

This is also day 4 of little sleep. I'm still waiting for my sadness to take on a different form. Something other than self sabotage would be nice...


(The sounds at the beginning of this video.)

I need to sleep.

Seriously.

One of these nights I would love to fall asleep at midnight and wake up at noon.

Since Tuesday I've only gotten a collective 9 or 10 hours of sleep. Three nights of three or four hours max. It's hurting me today even worse than yesterday, and I thought I was a drone yesterday. Adrenaline and caffeine keeps me going. I don't think I could open my eyes all the way if I tried.

This heartache thing sure sucks balls.

Current Micah, see http://rawrtiger.livejournal.com/90713.html
She's calm, you're not. ):

Wade left all of 5 minutes ago to go back to school, and I'm obviously still sobbing, but apparently I didn't sob a year ago for the same thing. Maybe it's harder the second time?
Last year I called my mom because I was crying too much the second he closed the door, and it's too late for me to do that now. I can't wake my mom up at 1...2 in the morning and have her tell me it's all going to be all right again. I want to talk to somebody because I'm crying too much and I want to stop, but I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone to cry in front of them. I want my mom. I want Wade. I hate my life, another year of this shit and I don't want it. I had a shitty summer of no employment and losing friends that are important to me, but I at least had Wade and a few people to make me feel less lonely and not worthless. Now Wade's gone, and so I'm stuck in a limbo of not having anything to do with my life. I feel really sick saying that Wade was "my life", but he was a big chunk of the people I have to be with. And I can't be with him anymore, and I just want him to come back into my room and tell me that he isn't leaving and cuddle me until morning. Fuck.

Things I'll miss the most:
-Leaving my front door unlocked and my bedroom door closed on the days he tells me he'll come over so it's a surprise when he pops in my door.
-Long talks in his car before coming inside to cuddle.
-Bike riding through parks and to convenience stores to eat tasty things together.
-A million nerdy activities that will be less exciting and silly cause he won't be there to share it with me
-Feeling loved
-The ability to be with him when I "need" it.

I need it now.
I want someone to talk to and I want to stop sobbing and coughing up tears. It hurts. I hurt. I hate watching him leave my house when I know it'll be a long time before I can see him here again. That feeling SUCKS. I don't want anymore GOODBYES. I've done it too many times now. I'm so tired of this type of pain.

My throat hurts from coughing. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart hurts cause I miss him and I want him to come back.

THANK YOU AUBREY. I LOOK LIKE A CREEPER. STRAIGHT OUTTA DA SHOWAH.

So, after thinking my birthday was over, I suddenly get three presents in the mail! :D Yesterday my friend Christine sent me a T-Rex bag, which I totally wasn't expecting and it made me smile a million. Then today my mom sent me a new purse, and I got a little Parasaurolophus finger toy from my friend Aubrey! They were kinda amazing surprises on a day that I really needed it. So thanks to you all, though I think Aubrey's the only one who reads my journal sometimes.

I think I'm gonna name it Dinostat, and I'm going to the fair tomorrow and I think I'll bring him and my Parasaurolophus plushie (Ripley) with me. And pretend I won them ~somewhere~ because the chances of me winning anything at the fair are slim.

See below diagram of Ripley. She's a pretty cool guy.



(Thanks again everyone. Awesome 21st.)